Wow, I cannot tell you what a breakthrough this is for me. I finally did my website!
I commissioned the designer two years ago. We started then, but I was absolutely frozen in insecurity about my service and focus. I felt like a jack of all trades, but master of none.
I didn’t know how to put my training and skills into an offer that would give value to a client. I had 9 years of tertiary education, a law degree, diplomas, certificates, etc. to show, but none the wiser as to how I could use that to help others.
I also was in my 3rd career change. Not the most reassuring situation for most people out there. I was desperate to be of service, to be of use and value in this world and in my life. Yet, no matter how much I studied or worked at it, I just felt like a total failure and lost.
Hugely ashamed and embarrassed that I wasn’t able to access my gifts or skills. Time was ticking by and I wasn’t getting any younger. Struggling financially and again hugely embarrassed about this. At this stage of my life all my friends are seniors in their respective career paths, with all the perks, respect and financial rewards that a dedication of over 3 decades to your vocation brings. It felt like I was nowhere and as the years slipped by I started to feel more and more insecure and hopeless. I spent every cent I had on therapy and guidance. Making some progress but not enough to experience a breakthrough.
The more stuck I felt, the more depressed I became. Feelings of worthlessness caused me to self-sabotage. I started to believe that I am just never going to get this right. I am obviously just pathetic.
I considered taking my own life many times. The only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was my Spiritual understanding that there is no opting out from our learning and teachings as a Soul. Coming back to re-live this nightmare was so scary, that I chickened out of that idea.
Even healing myself twice from ovarian cancer couldn’t support me in helping others to do the same. I started to believe I sucked at business and will never be able to be an entrepreneur.
Soul always wins right?
Just over two years ago, I joined a 40 Day Master Fast. That process pealed me like an onion! So many layers of who I am not were shed. I started to shift the depression. I noticed that I started to feel happy every morning when I woke up. I didn’t need to work at it. By around the 28th day, a stream of desire, joy and clarity came through that I have never experienced. All of a sudden I knew exactly what my focus and direction was. It felt like a rebirth. 1000’s of ideas would pour onto the pages of my journal. All this just because I am not eating???
I kept on pinching myself to check if I was still on planet Earth. The experience felt so foreign – remember I was beyond hopelessness.
When I approached a designer for my website soon after this experience I still had fears and doubts about my worth and readiness to put this out into the world. ‘Who am I to think I can help people on a path of transformation??” – my constant mantra…
Geez! I am 50 today!!! I have never felt what it feels like to earn my worth. But today I have peace of mind that this too shall be transformed. That is not my focus. Today I know what I know. My biggest struggle and pain is becoming my greatest joy and I will never give up. My progress might be slow and I am probably the proverbial late bloomer, but I have had a taste and a glimpse of Who I Am. That I have something to offer and that I am closer to be of service to humanity to make a difference to our world and our planet. I am not just hopeful now. I am trusting the unfolding of my magnificent life!
So at the end of April this year, my Mastermind leader gave me a little kick on the butt, by challenging me to get my website up and out. It came at just the right time. I started to slip again into some hopelessness and was unable to move forward with this step. I am so grateful to her for keeping me accountable and holding space for me to emerge from that hole!
I know I will eventually master my challenges. As I change my own struggles into gold, I have so much more to offer others in a similar situation. To that I am dedicating my life! Healing myself from cancer and other health issues have taught me that anything is possible when we set our minds to it and open our hearts to the possibilities of a different outcome. When we set our fears aside and trust that the Universe is benevolent and want for us only our highest expression in this life! When we are willing to change our lives change!
So here it is. My website is finally done! I am grateful to that part of me that never gave up. That part that is still going despite the million reasons to just let it all go. So much gratitude for this life and the gift to live it.
Watch out world, she is ready to serve!
I cannot wait to support you in getting unstuck and facing your fears so that you too can get all those things done and out in the world, ready to serve! Come, let’s do it!